small changes you've made resulting in a big difference in your life

What a great thread this has been to read. So my first recommendation would be to sit down and read through the answers, ...ALL of them. There's a ton of great stuff here!

Everybody is different - but some other (small) things that have been recommended to me over the years, than have made (big) differences in my life are:

• If you sweeten your coffee or tea, start using honey.
• Stop drinking soda. Period.
• Start drinking more water - as much as you possibly can.
• A cup of 185° hot water every morning instead of coffee will do miraculous things in many aspects of your life, in addition to adding years (maybe even decades) to it.
  12 Unexpected Benefits of Drinking Hot Water
  6 Reasons Why You Should Drink Warm Water
• If you must drink alcohol, don't do it during the week.
• For maximum overnight metabolism, and a better nights rest - don't eat for 2-3 hours before bedtime. If you're really hungry, drink a bottle of water.  This is an old and well accepted recommendation, but it's a lot harder than you might think.
• Get allergy tested every few years (by an allergist). You'd be surprised at the "healthy" foods that may be sabotaging your system (mine include healthy things like lettuce, bananas, garlic, and soy). Eliminate those things from your diet.  I say every few years, because they will change. You'll sleep better, you'll have more energy, you won't get sick as often, headaches will become a thing of the past, and pounds will start melting away (even without exercise).
• Buy a good bathroom scale, weigh yourself every morning, keep a log (especially if you've done any/all of the above).
• Make your bed every morning.
• Pick out your wardrobe each night for the following day, and set it out before you go to bed.
• If you make a pot of coffee each day, always get it ready the night before.
• Never go to bed with a sink full of dishes.
• Fold and put away your laundry as soon as it comes out of the drier. Don't live out of a laundry basket. Believe me - it really changes your outlook.
• Leave your bedroom blinds in a way that you will wake to sunlight coming in your windows (obvious exception being if you do not work a typical day shift). In either case, your body responds positively to sunlight.
• With tasks, projects, chores, bills - do NOT follow the 'first-in-first-out' rule. Organize them according to when they're due, and always be working on what's due next. One day you'll wake up and realize that you have nothing to do (or bill to pay) for weeks to come. This also makes 'putting out fires' a lot less stressful.
• Keep your inbox clean. If it's done, file it. The only thing in mine are those things which are not yet resolved, handled, or addressed. Find a system of organization that works for you (your business/your industry).  For me, it's hundreds of folders/subfolders in Outlook.
• Never send an email when your emotions on the topic are elevated. If you're on the fence about a strongly-worded email, always (and I mean ALWAYS) save it and re-read it in the morning.  This one is a biggie - thank me later.
• Get rid of NEW clutter. Unsubscribe from any/all mailing lists that aren't relevant or absolutely necessary.
• Get rid of OLD clutter. Clean out the junk drawer, the attic, the garage, the den, the closet, and the shed. Either have a garage sale, or donate it. If you haven't touched it or looked at in in a year or more, seriously ask yourself how necessary is it to keep.
• Also (regarding clutter), the phone pic that you took of the grocery list 6 months ago - do you still need it? How about the 6 out-of-focus pics of your child's performance you took before getting that one perfect one? Go through your digital archives (pics, docs, videos, etc.) and delete whatever isn't necessary. As an added benefit, you'll relive some great memories going through them.
• You are your children's idol. Don't disappoint them. And when you do (which you will), admit it to them. Apologize.
• Make time for your kids. Read with them, play with them, color with them.  It doesn't matter what you do with them - as long as you spend time with them.
• Hug them often, and tell them you love them. Look them in the eyes when you do.
• Listen to your kids.  Just, ...listen!
• By the way: your children will instinctively, subconsciously, and uncontrollably seek out a relationship identical to the one that you have with your spouse - remember that!
• Facebook: get out of the habit of scrolling endlessly through your news-feed. If you must have an account (yes, I know - there are lots of good reasons to do so), then train yourself to check only your notifications and then get out.  Otherwise you'll scroll your day away.  To resist the urge of scrolling to see what your friends are up to: pick a handful of good friends, if you like - and choose to "get notifications" for their activity.
  
  
• If you don't LOVE your job, then you don't have the right job. If you do what you love, then you'll never work a day in your life.
• Become an expert at something you enjoy or find interesting, ...anything! Read about it, write about it, speak about it, blog about it, create a website, etc.
• If you have a blog or website, monetize it with Google AdSense and/or affiliates. It may only mean an extra 25¢ per day in the beginning, but it adds up. And besides, you never know when something might go viral and put a few hundred (or few thousand) bucks in your pocket overnight.
• Do not answer calls/texts during dinner time, family time, or "you" time. Your cell phone is for YOUR convenience, not the caller's.
• Always remember - every person you come in contact with (every single day) is in the midst of some kind of personal struggle.
• Always remember - what other people think about you is none of your business.
• Always make eye-contact when speaking to someone, or when they are speaking to you.
• Work on your hand-shake.
• Always lend a hand when possible.
• Always be grateful. No matter how hard your circumstances are, I can guarantee that there are people who would trade places with you in a heartbeat.  The fact that you are reading this on a computer, tablet, or mobile phone right now - means that such people (those willing to trade places with you) number well into the millions, maybe even billions!

I could go on for hours, but its time to have pizza with the kids. So let me wrap this up - just two more:

• Read all the answers on this thread again. Save this page to pocket, or copy paste some of your favorites. Refer back to it every few weeks as a reminder.

• Take a few minutes to contribute to it - I just did.

Important things and advice to know that people generally aren't told about?

1. Marry your best friend.

I am truly amazed that I have the most successful marriage of all my friends -- going strong after fifteen years. Most of my friends are amazed, too, because, growing up, I was the geek who couldn't get a girlfriend. I had almost no relationships until I was in my mid twenties. I got married at 29. I'm now 45 and still deeply in love. Meanwhile, I have seen so many of my friends get divorces and/or grind their teeth through loveless, combative relationships.

What I've noticed about these people is that, 90% of the time, (a) they got married really young and (b) they mistakenly thought that long-term romances work best when when they're based entirely on lust and trivial shared tastes (e.g. "We both like the same bands.")

Sometimes, I hear people say things like, "I've been dating this guy for a year. We get along okay, but sometimes I think about leaving... How do I know if he's 'the one'?" This makes me really sad, because it's so obvious to me that my wife is 'the one.' Why? Because she's my best friend. Whenever anything good or bad happens to me, she's the person I want to tell! When I need advice, she's the person I run to! When I need to laugh, she's the person I joke around with!

If you don't know that the other person is 'the one,' he or she is not. And though it sucks to be alone -- believe me, I know: I was alone for years -- it's better than settling. Don't settle. You'll still be alone. It is very possible to be alone while being in a relationship. Many people are.

(Let me be really clear about what I mean by "don't settle." I don't mean "look for someone who is perfect." No one is perfect. I mean that if you feel luke-warm about someone, he's not the one. If the person you're with makes you continually unhappy, she's not the one. Don't settle for that because you think "it beats being alone." It doesn't. You evolved to think it does. Your selfish genes want you to mate. Your brain will continually tell you that nothing is worse that being alone. It's wrong.)

The other sad thing I hear is "Bill is my best friend. We have so much in common. He's always there for me. We talk for hours. I completely trust him and we have the exact same sense of humor ... but ... I don't know ... the spark isn't there..."

When I hear this, I don't say anything, because it's none of my business, but I want to scream "GET OVER THIS 'SPARK' THING! STOP BELIEVING IN HOLLYWOOD VISIONS OF CATCHING SOMEONE'S EYE ACROSS A CROWDED ROOM! Jesus Christ! You found someone you connect with on so many levels, and you're not getting down on your knees and proposing?!? Do you think you're going to find 30 more people like that in your life?!?"

The "spark" doesn't last, anyway. I'm not saying that sex dies or anything. I'm just saying that incredibly exciting, new romance feeling inevitably fades. But, if you're lucky, what comes next is much, much better. You spend years in that loving, warm place with the person you know you want to grow old with. And if you have good communication with someone, the spark can come later, even if it's not there at first.

Lots of people seem to learn this after a long time and a lot of pain. They marry the "bad boy" or the "hot chick" instead of their best friends, because doing so is more exciting. Then those marriages -- which are based on nothing -- fail. Sometimes, if these people are lucky, they later marry those best friends who they should have married in the first place. If they're unlucky, they can't, because the best friends have moved on.

See also:

-- Marcus Geduld's answer to What are some tips for young people wanting to get married?

-- Marcus Geduld's answer to What is the secret to a lasting marriage?

2. There's no such thing as a "grown up," and if you try to be one, you'll wind up becoming a poser at best and a killjoy at worst.

First of all, if you're waiting for that magic time when you're finally there, give it up. As I ease into the middle age, I can see it will never happen. I will never have learned what I need to learn in order to be a grownup. I will never be 100% confident. I will never stop failing...

People who seem like they have it all together are either faking it or living such incredibly boring lives that they never face any challenges.

Let me be clear that I am a responsible person. So if all "grownup" means to you is "someone who does the dishes," then -- yes -- I'm a grown up. But it's not like when I was younger, I was a child ... a child ... a child ... a child ... and then I reached some particular birthday and -- boing -- I was an adult.

God, I hate people who think it's important to be grown up. They are no fun at all. They are the people who, if you show any enthusiasm that goes beyond what you have to do at your job, inevitably say, "Looks like someone has too much time on his hands!"

Don't be that guy!

As you go through life -- especially when you pass through your 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s -- continually ask yourself this: "When was the last time I played in the mud?"

It is vital that you play in the mud! You must do this or you'll lose your soul! I am somewhat speaking in metaphor. If you don't like mud, that's fine. But when did you last finger paint? When did you last get into a pillow fight with your friends (or with your spouse?) When did you last sing a loud, off-key song where all the lyrics were nonsense words? What was the last time you did something utterly pointless that was great fun?

Playing Scrabble doesn't count. (I say that as a huge Scrabble fan.) Playing tennis doesn't count. Those activities are great, but they're too regimented. They are too much about rules. They don't involve cutting loose, letting go and being vulnerable. (By vulnerable, I mean doing stuff that may lead other people to say "Act your age!")

Getting drunk or high doesn't count, either. If you can only dance around in your underwear when you've had three (or ten) drinks, you're doing it wrong. One of the reason drugs don't count, is because they put you in an altered state that is disconnected from who you are when you're not drunk or high. Your goal should be to become someone who always has a little bit of play in him -- not someone who is super-stern and serious and needs chemicals to unwind.

I know that letting go this way is really, really hard for some people. If it's hard for you, ease into it. No matter how hard it is, surely you can finger paint when you're alone in your room! Make yourself do it until you can do it without shame -- until you can let go and enjoy getting paint on your nose. You will wind up living longer and having less stress in your life.

And though you can start this in private, try to work towards doing it in the company of someone else. Play is fundamentally a social activity. You will never feel as close to another person as you will when you roll in the mud with him.

Despite the way I sound, I am a very shy person. I don't, as a rule, go dancing in the streets. But I have a few close friends (and a really fun spouse) with whom I can do those things. Those friends keep me alive! I wouldn't trade them for ten million dollars!

One last thing: if you have kids, what's your relationship to them? Are you very much the mom or the dad. Do you feel like they are the kids and you are the grownup? Or do you feel like they're your friends and you enjoy playing on the floor with them? Of course it's important to be the grownup for them sometimes. But see if you can ease yourself into a different kind of relationship with them? When did you and your kids last have a snowball fight?

3. Most grownups stop learning. Don't.

I spent many years as a teacher, mostly teaching computer classes to adults. These were folks who were being forced to adopt new technologies for their jobs. They were very unhappy. They would say, "I don't understand this stuff! I'm just not one of those computer people."

What I gradually learned, via long discussions with many, many students from many different occupations, is that this wasn't true at all. Their problem -- though very real -- had nothing to do with computers. It had to do with the fact that this was the first time they'd been asked to learn anything new in years. They would have had just as much trouble if their boss had forced them to learn how to knit, juggle, or play the guitar.

Even many people we think of as smart do very few new things every day -- things that stretch them. Here's an example: I used to work for a large auction company (think Sotheby's or Chirstie's.) This company employed a lot of "experts." An expert was, for instance, someone who has spent decades studying French ceramics. Having done a lot of studying, he can now look at a vase and instantly tell you when and where it was made, what it's worth, and whether it's an original or a reproduction. I am not making light of this skill. I certainly couldn't do it.

But let's take a look at what it involves: the expert had to spend decades cramming information into his brain. He had to get to a point where that information wasn't just in his brain but also instantly accessible. Doing all that grunt work was an incredible feat, and the expert has good reason to be proud of what he accomplished.

But if he's like most of us, he learned most of his knowledge in his 20s. Starting in his 30s, he began coasting. Coasting feels really good and most jobs are built to let experts coast. You know you're coasting when you can go to work and instantly know how to fix any problem. You're coasting when you can look at the vase and instantly know when and where it was made.

You're coasting if all your problems at work are things like annoying co-workers and long hours. If you never (or rarely) need to do exhaustive research or work out complex problems on paper or white boards, you're coasting.

I'm a computer programmer, which means my job is pretty intellectual, and I coast way less than a lot of people: but I still coast about 75% of the time. A lot of the code I write is boilerplate stuff. I'm "solving" problems that have already been solved, and all I need to do is copy, paste, and make a few tweaks.

Doctors coast a lot of the time (at least general practitioners do). They hear the same symptoms over and over again, and in most cases, they can do their jobs very well by doing mental "database searches" and regurgitating answers that worked in the past. This is also the case for non-trial lawyers.

If you're a "smart person" like me, and if you work in an "intellectual" field, it's humbling to ask yourself, at each point in your day, "Am I stretching my intellect? Am I coming up with a new solution? Am I facing a new problem that I've never faced before?" How much of the time do you do this? 10% of the time? 5% of the time? 1% of the time? How many years have gone by without you having to face a real intellectual challenge?

Incidentally, the jobs that we think of as intellectual tend to be the least intellectually demanding (with some exceptions, such as Mathematician and Brain Surgeon). The "dumb jobs," such as auto-mechanic and football player tend to involve a lot of continual, on-your-feet thinking.

What's wrong with coasting? Nothing, necessarily, if it makes you happy. But we're moving into a time period where it's harder to get away with it. The pace of change has quadrupled and we're getting hit with new technologies daily.

But the bigger problem is that "if you don't use it, you'll lose it." You need to continually give your brain a workout or it will grow sluggish. We all know those people who have retired at 65 and then spent twenty years sitting in front of the TV. What's sad is that we accept that people in their 80s are going to be sluggish. But that's not a given. They don't have to be! You don't have to be. If your job isn't challenging you, find ways to challenge yourself. 

Note: most people get frustrated when they fail. This is one of the reasons why they quit trying new things. Trying new things inevitably leads to failure. But understand that, if you're trying anything challenging, it's going to take you at least a month to succeed at it. A month is the minimum. It's more likely that it will take you six months.

So if you, say, try to learn the guitar but "fail" at it after a few hours, you haven't failed. You can only fail at the guitar if you try to play it for six months and, during all that time, make no progress.

See also:

-- Marcus Geduld's answer to How much does grading matter or motivate students to learn?

-- Marcus Geduld's answer to Why do so many people hate mathematics?

4. If you're an artist or "creative person," stop trying to "be original."

Your goal should be to tell the story you're trying to tell. (Or play the melody or fill the canvas with color or whatever.)

When I'm not programming computers, I spend my time directing plays. I run a classical-theatre company. Here's the main lesson I've learned over the years: if I'm directing, say, "Romeo and Juliet," my job is to tell that story. Let's say that, in order to make the story clear and exciting, it turns out that Juliet should be wearing a red dress in a particular scene. But I go see another production and notice the actress in that production is wearing a red dress in the scene in which I was going to put my Juliet in a red dress!

I will feel that very human urge to make my Juliet wear a blue dress, because I don't want to be accused of copying or "not being original." I need to get over it. It's not about me! If it happens to be a case that a red dress tells the story better than a blue dress, then my Juliet needs to wear a red dress. Art is best when the artists serves the art rather than the other way around.

This general rule applies to many things besides art.

See also: Marcus Geduld's answer to How do I overcome my thought that there are so many people smarter than me?

5. If you focus on what's fair and what's unfair, you'll stagnate.

John: Someone keeps stealing pens off my desk! Whenever I need a pen, I can't find one!

Mary: Well, pens don't cost very much. Why don't you just buy a bunch of them once a month? Just think of them as perishable items that have to be replenished.

John: I shouldn't have to do that! It's not my fault the pens go missing! People need to stop stealing my pens!

Mary: Okay. What can you do to stop them from stealing your pens? Do you have a cabinet or something you can lock them in?

John: No!

Mary: Can you tell your boss? If there's a security problem in your office, maybe he can...

John: I've tried that. He doesn't care! He says it's just pens. That's not the point! It's stealing. Stealing is wrong!

Mary: You're right. It is wrong. It sucks that your boss isn't going to do anything about it, but I guess that's the way it is. And it seems like it's causing you a lot of anxiety. Wouldn't you feel better if you spent $2 on pens once a week? You could just assume they'll get stolen and get new ones when you need them. That way, you'd know you'd always have a pen!

John: Why should I be the one who has to buy new pens?

Mary: You shouldn't be, but you are.

John: That's not fair!

There's nothing wrong with striving for fairness and justice. But if that's not possible, it's pointless to fall into a mode where you're constantly stressed out and throwing your hands up in disgust. The pen problem literally used to drive me crazy. Then I took Mary's advice. The truth is, I earn enough money that buying pens a couple of times a month is no big deal. I wish people wouldn't steal from me, but I'm just not going to worry about it. A couple of dollars a month let me check a worry off my list. That is money well spent!

6. If you're not failing, you're doing it wrong.

We need to raise our kids so that they expect to fail and so that they understand that after failing they should keep going. I have finally gotten to a place where I dislike not failing. I am suspicious when I don't fail. Not failing generally means I'm playing it too safe. It means I'm not growing or learning. It means I'm keeping myself from finding all sorts of solutions I could be finding. But the only way to find them is to play past failure.

I recommend keeping a Failure Diary. When you fail at something, try writing it up the next day. Examine the failure in as much detail as you can. Make sure you use failure as an opportunity to grow. I publish excepts from my Failure Diary here: Failures: On Stuff I Did Wrong

See also: Marcus Geduld's answer to Why do we get frustrated when learning something?

7. You can't reason with a lizard.

If someone is hysterical or angry, it's pointless to reason with him. Don't try. The "lizard brain" can't use logic. Understand that you're dealing with a cornered animal, not a calm philosopher.

See also: Marcus Geduld's answer to What would you say if someone said that you were fat? and read the comments, e.g. http://www.quora.com/What-Would-You-Do-If-X/What-would-you-say-if-someone-said-that-you-were-fat/answer/Marcus-Geduld/comment/2266135

8. Stop reading the newspaper.

You don't really have to stop. If you enjoy reading it, by all means read it. But if you're one of those people who gets deeply stressed out every time you read the paper or watch CNN, consider stopping. Why are you constantly putting yourself through this stress? Because it's one's duty to stay informed? Why?

Okay, I understand why. We live in a Democracy and blah-blah-blah. Fine. But you're not required to live a life of stress. It doesn't help you or anyone else for you to be stressed all the time.

And just knowing that there are starving people doesn't help those starving people. If you have a plan of action, by all means carry it out. Otherwise, give yourself a break. If you feel terribly guilty when you're not informed, then just give yourself a two-week break. You don't have to stop reading the papers for life. But get out of the habit of being addicted to stress and sorrow. Your blood pressure will go down.

9. Do something that's not for money.

Make sure there's something pleasurable in your life that is completely disconnected with money. In our culture (in all cultures?) money comes with all kinds of baggage. Find something you like to do that will never make you any money.

If you're a waitress who longs to be a professional actress, acting in plays for free doesn't count. It's great, but it's not what I'm talking about, because you're hoping to one day quit waitressing and make money acting. Keep that dream alive, but find some other activity to be your non-money-pleasure. Say, "I like sketching (or whatever) and it will never, ever make me any money. And if someone offered me money to sketch, I'd turn it down, because I want one thing in my life that is forever disconnected from money."

And it can't be something connected to duty. Yes, you don't get paid for raising your kids, and, yes, a lot of that job is fun. But parts of it are a duty. So it doesn't count. Knitting counts. Playing basketball with your friends counts.

Hanging out with friends doesn't count. It's fun. It's not about making money. But it's not a specific activity. You need something that will jolt you out of the belief that most of us have -- that anything you spend time and energy on must be about money.

10. The hour before bed is for you.

Don't work right up until bedtime, even if you "have to." Take half an hour -- even 20 minutes if it's all you can spare -- before you go to bed to unwind in an engrossing way. (Do this even if you're really tired and would rather not stay up an extra 20 minutes.)

By which I mean don't just sit on the sofa with a glass of wine. If you do that, it's too easy to start thinking and worrying about work. Spend that time reading a chapter of a fun thriller (not a "classic" that you think you "should" read) or watching an episode of a sitcom that makes you laugh.

Think of this as your duty. It will help you get your work done better the next day. It will help you get to sleep.

11. There is no such thing as highbrow and lowbrow.

Or if there is, who cares? School has bamboozled us into thinking Shakespeare is superior to "Gilligan's Island." As someone who directs Shakespeare plays and reads "King Lear" for fun, I'm here to tell you that the only great art is the art you love.

Life is really fucking hard. You have to deal with losing jobs, getting divorces, paying taxes and fixing the toilet. Don't add to your troubles by telling yourself -- or letting someone else tell you -- that you're a moron because you prefer beer to expensive champagne.

If something is beloved by experts, "refined people" and scholars, there probably is something wonderful about it. If you want to spend an hour with me, I'll explain to you why Shakespeare is wonderful and what you'll get out of his plays if you spend some time studying them. But it's not a requirement. You're not in school any longer. (Or if you are, you soon won't be). There's no teacher waiting for you to turn in your homework.

I am not a better person than you because I read Shakespeare. I read Shakespeare because I enjoy it. If I read it because I "should," I'd be a fool.

Art is primarily sensual. It can sometimes politicize people or give them intellectual ideas, but what art does best is feed you: it feeds your eyes with colors; it feeds your ears with sounds; it feeds your nerves with "what's going to happen next????" Life is short. If "Star Wars" feeds you more than "Hamlet," enjoy your feast!

If you feel guilty about watching "American Idol" when you "should be" watching "Masterpiece Theatre," then agree to challenge yourself once a month. Once a month, you'll go to a museum or watch a foreign film. The rest of the time, watch and read and listen to whatever makes you sit on the edge of your seat. Whatever makes you sing and dance.

If you're an "intellectual" like me, take a break from the Bergman films and Shakespeare plays once in a while. Sure, sure. "American Idol" is the death of American culture or whatever. But watch a couple of episodes. It's pretty engrossing and fun.

Get out of the habit of labeling things as high and low. There's stuff that feeds you and stuff that doesn't. There are acquired tastes which don't feed you now but which might feed you in the future, once you get used to them. As soon as you get the urge to categorize one thing as "art" and the other thing as "just entertainment," try to stop. There are different sorts of meals, and it's great to live in a world with both caviar and Pop Tarts!

UPDATE July 2, 2014:

12. Collaborate on a project that you care about with a group of passionate people who also care deeply about it.

I was talking with some theatre friends recently, and I realized with a shock that we are blessed with something many people lack: collaboration.

Most people collaborate at work, but unless they're working at their dream jobs, the goal is more about making money than they project itself.

My friends and I don't get paid to do theatre; we do it for love.

And what I've come to understand is that there's something important about working with a group of people towards a shared goal that the whole group cares about.

Musicians in bands and orchestras understand what I'm talking about; People who play team sports get it, too.

I suspect we evolved to do this. Early humans lived in small, hunter-gatherer tribes, and they had to collaborate every day or die. The sad thing is, many modern people don't experience this, even though their minds and bodies are crying out for it. If you feel like something is missing in your life but don't know what, maybe it's this.

- Collaborating at work doesn't count, unless you and your coworkers love the job; unless you'd all do it for free if you weren't getting paid.

- Hanging out with your friends doesn't count. It's important and fun, but it's not what I'm talking about. When you hang, your focus is on yourself and your companions. I'm specifically talking about a group of people focused on a shared project.

- Internet projects don't count. You need to be in a room with a group of people, working together. It's great if there's a physical component as well as a mental one. I'm not necessarily talking about tackle football. Playing musical instruments is physical. Working in a soup kitchen is physical.

- And it doesn't count if, even though people are helping you, you could do the project all by yourself. It must be a project that will fail unless all hands are on deck.

There are many ways to make this part of your life: collaborative arts, team sports, group games, volunteer work, etc.

Many religious people get this through their communities. Secular folks, like me, have to find other paths to it.

Study Methods

This is my research on how to study over two years. I succeeded to get a distinction in 8000 students from many colleges. I did not spend more than two months in my college.

There are two important studies worth sharing before I describe my study method. The first study is about memory graph and the second one is about concentration span.

The Human Memory Graph
This study reveals to us that when you read something, your memory of what you read or heard is almost alive.  If we represent this with graph it is horizontally at 100%, and it slowly declines over time. When you review it after one day, memory connections are strengthened. Now its declination is very slow as compared to without review.  This speed decreases with every review of the thing you want to remember. It is explained in the graph below.

Instead of memorizing, try setting a review plan without any tension and be relaxed. Read with concentration, and then leave it. Read again in the evening, then again the next day, and then again the next week. Test yourself on the 15th day, and then review after one month. You'll notice that your memory, of what you heard, read, or listened, will not decline so easy now plus you remember most of it including subtle things related or within the material.

Human Attention Span

As it's clear from this graph, the human attention span is at 30% after 45 minutes. Mostly, that is the length of one class for schools below university level.  In universities it is increased to one hour or more.  You can improve your attention span by increasing the time slowly, but it is better to take a short break (~5 minutes) after about an hour of focused study.  The short break will allow you to regain about 90% of your attention span.

Another important thing regarding memory is reading a topic from many sources. It has two benefits, less boredom and many different aspects of the same scenario. Later one increases latency of information from different areas of mind when required. The more connections your brain makes with the information, the more likely it will stick in your mind.

• Another important consideration is the productive hours. It may be different for few people but mostly early morning is the most productive time.
• Remember to keep the room temperature a little warm. It will help in focusing.

After a lot of study about how to study I devised a plan, which was refined over time and according to the results. Now here is a refined plan, in which are inherent many researches and experiences I have come across.

Planning and managing your study

1. Make a timetable; mine was 11 hours for study. It is first step to success. (I was studying, and interested in it, so I was giving most of my time to studying; you may have less than 11 hours of course. It just shows my dedication towards academics and the dreams I had after graduation. I was in a poor family; I knew that without hard-work, I won’t be able to get along. After getting a position, I was able to continue my study for free. I also received prize money from the government and a special training for more motivation and visits. Yes, I got a Talent Award too.
2. Humans can concentrate for 40 minutes on a subject, or maximum 1 hour. Do change your study material/subject after every 40 minutes or 1 hour. But later on you can increase this time slowly to 2 hours. I did this.
3. Start time table by learning new things, after looking at the last day topics. Later chapters in books mostly have references from former ones. Learning new things at start gives you hope and makes you motivated.
4. Don’t start one subject or module after the other; take a break of 5 to ten minutes. In this time eat some chocolate, fruits and vitamins. Do some sit stands and go out to look in nature and have an analog (natural phenomena) thinking to refresh. This is a right click and refresh for you on your desktop to start another application.
5. Study each subject three times a day, design time table such that every subject has 3 shifts per day.
6. Take notes in the first shift, and rehearse them in second shift and so on. Notes should not be exact copy of the book text.
7. Re-allocate time for your modules in timetable after every, maximum two weeks. Or take your exams after one week and re-allocate based on the exam results.
8. Exam yourself sometime in the middle of the time table.
9. Have some extra time to look topics of this day you have studied, at the end of study time table.
10. Second day, start with looking at the topics of the last day. But never do an exam at the start of study time. Increase difficulty slowly from start to end.
11. Do some statistics on important and less important subjects or difficult and easy subjects and divide time with statistics methods. For example by first assigning the difficulty level to each subject like 40% and 60% etc.
12. If studying something which could be easily implemented in home or lab, don’t miss it. I, when studying biology, had tried to produce a new family of a tree though it was just a try and nothing resulted. I have been programming to simulate the physics concepts which helped a lot.

Subject specific study techniques

1. For math subjects, try to solve a question, if you fail, just do it with your hands by looking at some help book. After you finish copying by hands, you will infer what was missing. This is called learning with hands not mind. This is because some time an answer tells you about the solution in math.
2. For physics subjects, start with writing the topics equation, prove it on paper same as stated above in (math method), then start with the theory. Attach equation with the topic.
3. For English, write difficult words on the note book. Learn them first.
4. For theory subjects, read a lot on the same topic from different sources, read the topic on book, leave it. Now read it on Wikipedia and leave it. Learn it on some other book. This is easy and very useful method. Don't try to learn from your book only this will bore you and you won’t remember well.

Exam Tips

1. End preparing for exams about one week before. Design your exams timetable so that your intense preparation ends about one week before the first day of paper. This will help in
2. Tension free preparation. Inside your heart you know I have one week, as a backup.
3. One week extra preparation. The last EXTRA week is now more valuable than one month. Everything you will do in this week will be extra and very motivational for you.
4. If there is 2, 3 days break between papers, don't stick with one subject. As mentioned above it kills productive study and focus. Change study module for the sake of attaining mind focus and refreshment, at least.
5. Review your notes the day before paper. This will give you an overview of all topics plus strengthening the memory connections for those topics.
6. After paper is over, don’t throw the question paper into dust bin, thinking that it’s gone now. It can help your mind settle down. Read and examine how much you did correctly.
7. Keep calculating marks you obtained in each paper and adding to total. It will motivate you, like we do in scoring games.
8. Don’t forget the one and only solution for refreshment and energy of mind, the exercise and healthy foods in exams.

Miscellaneous facts

1. Don't listen to love music or such type of songs. Listen to some good motivational music like "K'NAAN - WAVIN' FLAG".
2. Do take some time for spirituality or loneliness, for many reasons it’s important.
3. Play some sports or exercise, not too much.
4. Eat different things in daily life and especially in break times.
5. Listen to news for some time. If learning English, listen to BBC.
6. Play with children, they are also learning, observe them and their interest.
7. Do spend some time with family and share your status.
8. If possible, do have some time to teach someone. It will be best, if you can teach what you are learning yourself.
9. For your tasks apart from study, make a to-do list. It’s very important to lessen the distraction and burden from your mind.
10. Understanding the problem, half solves it.
11. Imagine your success every day, imagine the future. You are investing on your future.
12. Spread knowledge.

* If you note I have written number 1 for no love music, in the details, I mean we should have zero distraction outside and inside of ourselves to create a creative state of mind, give all your attention to study when you study!
Do one thing at a time. Don’t have another part of your mind allocated for the mobile phone beside, or an open Facebook tab.

Good luck.

Advice from Dad's

"Your thoughts are limited by your vocabulary.", my father told me when I was a teenager.

That one line set me on the path to reading, building my vocabulary, falling in love with dictionaries, enjoying word-play, and attempting to write well and speak well. This expanded the horizons of my comprehension, and also gave me the ability to appreciate the refined, subtle thoughts written by others. There is a richness to the commentary of human experience that I would have missed out on had I not enjoyed reading and writing as much as I do.

This path has been central to how, for better or for worse, my personality evolved in the last 20 years since that afternoon.



"Whenever you feel down, take a bath. Shave. Put on your best clothes. And just. Be. Happy. You're pretending, of course, but that's the point. Pretend that you feel good. Act like you're on top of the situation. And you know what? Eventually you will be. It's all in your head, son."


Make sure you marry somebody you want your kids to act like.


The best advice my dad gave me was in his inability to give advice:

I was just out of college and I was madly in love. Ridiculously. Blindly. In. Love. ... at least to a 22 year old... I thought it was the be all, end all of love affairs. Then, it happened--I got pregnant. I think I peed on at least 20 sticks--all plus signs. Just as I was sitting down at dinner to tell my boyfriend and to ask him what we wanted to do about it, he says "I have something I've been meaning to tell you--I think we should break up." I just started shaking and sobbing and it was quite a show. Eventually I mustered up the ability to say what I needed to say. He got up and walked out and never came back. I called my dad sobbing beyond anything he'd ever dealt with before from his daughter.

"Why can't I find a man like you, dad? Someone who does the right thing and acts like a man and respects me as someone's daughter?"

...That's when the silence hit. 

"Daddy?" I asked. 

Still silent. 

After a while, he said,"You know, I wasn't always the man you know. There was a time before you were born that I dated someone who I wasn't very fair to. I broke her heart..."

I said, "Yeah, but you apologized. You always take accountability."

Much to my surprise, he said, "No. No, I never did apologize." 

There was a long pause. 

"But I can tell you one thing: 

"If I wasn't sorry about it then, I certainly am double sorry now. Sorry doesn't even explain it. Because despite what I might have done to someone's daughter back then... there's no greater pain than watching a young man do to your own daughter what you did to someone else's 40 years earlier."

That conversation has never left my mind.


Do not be afraid to take advice from those who has tried something and failed. Do not take it from those who have never tried anything.


I was in class 7 when first time I fell in love with my best friend but before I could express my love to her, someone else proposed her and she said yes to him. At that time I was feeling down so told everything to my dad and then this is what he replied me: 

“Honey, you must have heard people saying that love cannot happen at an age of 12 or 13” I nodded as Papa said, “I feel, though they are not right, they are not completely wrong either. Love can happen at any age but one has to be mature enough to cherish the fullest form of love. See yourself, you care for her, you always want a smile on her face, it hurts you when she is in pain and a lot of things which show that you love her and I believe you truly love her but are you big enough to face the consequences of loving someone?" He paused, "No!"
“Love is unconditional. It never expects anything in return from the other person. If you love someone that does not mean that the same person has to love you, as you were free to love anyone so does the other person too. I love you, your mamma, your didi loves you but we have never expected you to love us in return. We just simply love you.  Moreover love is not about you, it’s neither about what you get out of it nor what the other person can give to you. When a person is immature, he thought of love to be proceeded by a relationship between a girl and a boy but what I feel is that love does not require anything either before or after falling into it. These kinds of relationship only try to fit love in a small box, keeps it there but love is infinitely sized while the box is… well there is no box large enough. Love is not about having a girlfriend or a boyfriend you can show off with and tell people. It’s not even about you feeling ‘proud’ to be with someone, it means you love the other person exactly as they are, exactly as they were before and exactly as they will be in the coming life. Your love for her should mean you will always be with her no matter what, she has the same feelings for you or not, you will always care for her no matter what, she loves you or not.”
“But yeah no one in this world has born with a tyrant heart so someday, somehow that person will realize the immense love of the other though it may take little time.” 
That was one of the best conversation I had with my dad and that day I learnt what actually love was.




He whispered into my ears, words that I carry in my heart and try to follow every day of my life, "Words are like arrows - once released, they cannot be taken back. Never say anything you will regret - if you don't like a situation, just get up and go away."

On my wedding day, just as I was leaving for my husband's home, ready to make my life with him and his family forever, my father said this to me. Twenty-five years ago, it was tough advice for an independent take-charge girl(then!!) to follow -  there were times when it was difficult not to retort, and I would remember his words and prefer to move away from an unpleasant situation rather than to retort and repent at leisure. 

Time has shown the wisdom in his words...I can look back with pride and say I did well and that the love and respect my actions have garnered are the medals I wear with pride.

It is now time for me to whisper the same words into my children's ears...and I hope the cycle goes on forever.

When I was a little girl, my father taught me a new word every day, but he always ended the lesson with....

He will live in my heart forever as the special father who taught his daughter the wisdom to speak well or not at all.



I don't have a problem even if you become a woodcutter. But if you're gonna be a woodcutter, be the best goddamn woodcutter ever. 




A woman creates the atmosphere in her home. She makes it a happy, sad, angry, frustrated one, so be sure you make your home a happy home. 
 
He told me this when I was about 14, and depressed over something. And today, after almost 15 years of marriage, I know this to be so true. With my moods, I can influence my husband, my kids, to be happy. 
 
Moods / Atmosphere infects your surroundings, and it is in your power what you create within your family. 
 
Thank you Papa, for this.



" Son, Not everything is measured in L.P.A. "

The ultimate life hack

In a series of experiments, Stanford researcher Carol Dweck divided students into two groups and gave them relatively easy math tests. After the students did well on the tests, half of the them were praised for being naturally clever or gifted, and half were praised for working hard. After those conversations, they were given harder math tests. The ones who were praised for working hard performed dramatically better on the more difficult exams.

Students who are praised for effort quickly adopt what Dweck calls a “growth mindset.” When they face more difficult problems they think “hard work got me this far, so I just need to work a bit harder and I will figure out these questions too.” 

Students who are praised for being clever adopt a destructive internal narrative. They think “Perhaps I’m not that clever after all, since I can’t figure out these harder questions.” So they quickly give up. Or worse, they see the hard questions as a threat to their self-esteem, and develop the dangerous habit of avoiding any situation where they might be wrong. (e.g. Any situation where they might learn something new!) 

So what can you do? If you’re a parent or teacher, praise effort rather than innate ability. And for yourself – ascribe your own success to effort and tenacity rather than innate ability. Really believe that your successes are a result of your efforts rather than purely some innate gift. 

It really is that simple!

SOCIALISM COMMUNISM FASCISM NAZISM

SOCIALISM; You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM; You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM; You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM; You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM; You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. Your neighbor has none. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay for the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

AMERICAN CAPITALISM; You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

FRENCH CAPITALISM; You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A GERMAN CAPITALISM; You have 2 cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

A JAPANESE CAPITALISM; You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are 1/10 the size of an ordinary cow, and produce the milk of 20 cows. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called cowkimon and market them worldwide.

ITALIAN CAPITALISM; You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

SWISS CAPITALISM; You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

CHINESE CAPITALISM; You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

RUSSIAN CAPITALISM; You have 2 cows. You count them and learn that you have 5 cows. You count them again and learn that you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn that you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of Vodka.

INDIAN CAPITALISM; You have two cows. You worship them.

BRITISH CAPITALISM; You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CAPITALISM; Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.

AUSTRALIAN CAPITALISM; You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

NEW ZEALAND CAPITALISM; You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

GREEK CAPITALISM; You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks. You eat both of them. The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF. The IMF loans you two cows. You eat both of them. The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk. You are out getting a haircut.

Is the Indian youth really becoming modern?

I don't think so. Even if they are, it's only skin deep.

Using Facebook and Twitter, taking photos from DSLRs, clicking selfies from iPhones, boozing and clubbing on weekends, gym-ing and so on are what I refer to as "skin deep modernism" or what is famously called "Aping the West". And this is what the youth is doing. They are blindly adopting only those things which they can see - in movies, news, etc - and term this as being modern. These things are a part of a lifestyle that has been derived from modern advancement, they are an an indication of modernity, not modernity itself. If today Apple decides to donate iPhones to all of Africa, we won't say Africa has become a modern continent.

I believe that being modern is a shift in science and technology, how we think, behave and act, and therefore requires a deeper understanding than what is visible in movies. Doing advanced research to develop power efficient phones like iPhone, packing millions of transistors to create Intel-like chips, creating weather-agnostic seeds, attempting to develop low cost drugs for cancer - these are modern advancements. We successfully put Mangalyan on Mars orbit, built nuclear weapons, constructed Metro transportation in cities - these reflected modernity. Modernity means treating servants and waiters with respect, not eve teasing a girl when you see her, neither judging nor caring about others while jogging on streets, not looking down upon a friend who is working part-time in McDonalds to pay his college's fees and so on. It requires a radical shift in our thought process that is based on casteism, social statuses, gender inequality, etc

Parents bashing, coming from the West, is considered to be modern and solution for all problems. But do you know that children in West start earning for themselves from their teens, and pay their own college fees and rent? You cannot decide your own future and then order parents to pay for it. Being independent is modernity, parents bashing is not. A lot of people claim to be feminists, but many of them don't even know what it is. Feminism, women empowerment and gender equality are much needed, but it is essential to go one level deep to actually understand these concepts for their effective implementation.

So I believe you got the essence of the answer. Becoming modern requires an evolution - in thoughts, education and implementation. It requires deliberate and conscious efforts to get to the root cause of change. Modernity will come when youth would start questioning "Why" and "How" to what they see, and not just adopt these and stop. The evolution process has started, but there is still time before I can say that the youth today is becoming "modern".

BOOKS for 20"S

20's  are the actual formation years when you are out of your colleges and  trying to make something of yourself. There are certainly few books that  allow a person to be a realist, an idealist and of all a  fundamentalist. My picks for the 20s would be

• Shantaram  by Gregory David Roberts - a travelogue of an escaped Australian  convict in India. It teaches you everything -love, melancholy and a path  of thought. A realist's favorite.
• Siddhartha  by Herman Hesse - for all those college stoners who think that they  have attained enlightenment, this book is a must. Its explains the very  concepts of enlightenment like no other book I have read till date. A  must for every bookshelf.
• Kim by  Rudyard Kipling- a book about sheer experience of life. It puts forth  success and failure, mistakes and achievement in such a candid way that  you relate every such instance of your life with the book.
• The  Fountainhead by Ayn Rand- of course, I cannot give this a miss. It  teaches you to value your self and your thoughts. Very few books have  been able to deliver meaning with such impact. Its surely not a book you  would want to complete in one read. Give it time and you will see your  ideals coming into place.
• Catch  22 by Joseph Heller- a true taste of sarcasm (yes, 20s can be fun too as  long as there's an underlying meaning). A hefty satire on wars- that's  how I would like to put it. It will make you question the decisions of  the system being taken around you while still allowing you not to flow  into emotional empathy.
• Howl by  Allen Ginsberg - This book just blows your mind right off. No bull-shit  and hardcore to the core. This book was so truthful that it was banned.  It blows the lid of many issues that your elders don't want you to know.  But, it will show you the power of simple truth in a unique way.
• Kite  Runner by Khalid Hosseini - a book that will make you cry. Not a  recommendation for the pedantic individual, this unravels the depths of  friendship, a bond between a father and a son, betrayal and its ultimate  redemption. With one of the most throat-croaking endings ever, this  book should be read, irrespective of age.
• Flower's  for Algeron by Daniel Keyes - Gut-wrenching story and a must for every  person who is into medicine or biotechnology. A poignant story about the  relationship between a man and a mouse, both of which are subjects of a  surgery that is aimed to increase people's intelligence, this book  touches a lot of ethical and moral themes simultaneously.
• Wuthering  Heights- a classic that a lot of teen's postpone. This book is a blow  to the facade of love that is often portrayed in today's world. If you  are in a relationship in which you define the bond as "just going out  with her/him", do give this a read to understand where you are.
• The Book Thief - its not always that a person comes across a book that relates a love to know things in the worst period of history. Mark Zuckus more than bowled me over with this book. It strikes the strings of every book lover by unravelling the notions of a girl about the simple questions 'What am I going to be left with in the end?'. Poignant to the core and mesmerizing until eternity, the book will always have a special place on my shelf.
• The  Outsider by Albert Camus- the best slap on the norms of today's  society; it features a protagonist who adheres to the truth and  dismisses every excessive portrayal of emotion which is demanded by the  society. One of the best starting lines of a book "Mother died today. Or maybe yesterday. I don't know"
• The  Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger - I believe this book should be read  every year, because every time you read it, you discover a new layer to  it. This book personifies the term "timeless writing". It covers almost  every layer of teenage thinking -profanity, sexual craving, teenage  angst, identity, belonging, alienation, etc. I still have a lot more to  discover from this book.
• Go, Kiss  the World by Subroto Bagchi - the tale of an entrepreneur in India. Its  not the usual "get inspired because thats what you bought this book  for" book. Its a story from which you just happen to draw teachings  unconsciously. A must-read for every venture enthusiast.
• The  Diary of a Young Girl - sheer indomitable courage is all this book is  about. I am sure this is also one book you have postponed for long. Do  give it a read, worth every second you give to it.
• The Hitchhiker's Guide to Galaxy - its a book of science fiction that can also be a wholesome treatise on irony. The end of earth, the question of life, the significance of having a sane mind instead of an intelligent mind has never been explained in a book before.
• The  Great Indian Novel by Shashi Tharoor- for all those lazy folks who  think that Mahabharata is too long a read. With a mixture of the plots  of Mahabharata and freedom movement ending with Indira Gandhi's  emergency, this book is the perfect Indian Satire.
• Autobiography  of a Yogi by Swami Parmahansa - this is not a scripture but is valued  more than it. For every atheist who questions a lot, this a book that  might solve a few of your answers. For me, this book was never preachy  but the flow of thought accompanied logic hand-in-hand for every second. 
  ........
  and in the end,
• The  Bhagvad Gita- its a daring task I tell you to even pick this book up.  But this is not just a book when you read it, its a conversation that is  the wholesome of every inquisitive conversation that would have  happened anywhere in the world. Its not about a God, nor is it about the  Devil, but its about the both of them that reside in us; its about Man  -not the ideal one, but the common one. I understood myself and my  temperaments a lot better after reading this book. The Bhagvad Gita is  ultimate motivator of all the books I have ever read. I can say with  every bit of confidence in me that this book will change your life.

Love Marriage

I'm 18. And from my ((365*18)+5+354) days here I know a thing or two about love and marriage. Life is not a formula. Love is not an arrangement. Marriage is not a 'game'.

How do I know this? I know this because I'm the son of my parents. Had my Punjabi mother, daughter of an Indian Navy Admiral picked out a photograph from a dossier of research on 'compatibility, taste and education', would she have ever married a Telugu clerk's unemployed son? Would he have even made it to round-1 of "back-end work and filtering"?

I'm tired of listening to the 'love is a distraction, study first' argument. Love can be such an ever-burning hearth of inspiration that can spur you higher than you'd ever been.

There's this thing about love--it comes knocking at the unlikeliest of times and if you can plan it, then it isn't love. When my parents 'ran away' to escape my mother's impending forced arranged-marriage to an IAS officer, between the both of them they had a couple of M.Coms and a single job. My mother married a jobless, penniless, part-time crossword-setter (cruciverbalist, he will insist) who wrote her off-the-cuff poetry on restaurant napkins with a crazy glint under his tousled hair.

Everyone predicted with the air of a Divination Professor that they had destroyed their once-promising academic lives. Her parents, his parents, their friends, every single person they knew--"objectively" told them this was a bad idea. Everyone seemed to 'know' that, it was certain, they were 'too different'. Everyone other than my parents. They coached each other to clearing the M Phil entrance. She taught him Statistics, he taught her Math. And then came the Ph.D entrace at one of India's top universities. My mum never intended to do a Ph.D ("too much effort for two letters in front of your name"). She sat for the test purely because "I am smarter than him, and he be called Dr? Kabhi nahi". There were two seats in their Department in the Open Category that year. Out of the few thousand unmarried, undistratced, not-in-love applicants who sat for the test , my mother ranked first and my father finished second. (She takes care to remind me her entrance rank every now and then within his hearing, he alleges it was her girly handwriting that made the examiners fall in love with her)

'First study, go to a great college, get a great job and then a girl will automatically want to marry you'

Who is your wife marrying then? Is she marrying you? Or is she marrying the ivy-league degrees and the five-figure job? I'd rather spend my life with a girl who loved me when I had nothing and was a no one, who'd love me for me--the chick-flick loving, Titanic-crying, deep-feeling, crazily adventurous, Physics obsessed, poetry spouting bag of chemicals I am.

I'm not the money in the vault or the degrees on my wall. I'm the lilt of my heart and the song of my soul. 

The Indian family system that a lot many wax about is the grave of the Roark-ian hero. The killing-ground of individuality and a cesspool of collectivism. If you live in a sandbox created by your family, build castles according to their whims and finally let them decide who your sand-castle princess should be, then who are YOU? Where is the YOU in all of this? I don't see you. I see THEM. Where are you? How is it your story if they're writing it?

Dating isn't for the weak. It takes courage to go down a knee, it takes bravery to face rejection. It takes character to be someone more than the colleges you attend and spirit to be someone who isn't only breathing but is also alive. While their European and American peers are risking heartbreak and growing emotionally, Indian men are cosseted in their parent-regulated cocoons waiting for their wives on a platter. The low divorce rates stem from this very cocooned upbringing. Divorce is a big big decision and if you've never had the guts to date do you think you can find the strength to fight a divorce, that too when your parents and everyone you know will disapprove of it?

I've been in love. It is a wonderful wonderful feeling. It cannot be simulated or faked or arranged. An arranged marriage is a feeble shot at some watered down version of love. You simply cannot throw two supposedly "compatible" individuals together and tell them to fall in love. Love is a spontaneous reaction. And some basic chemistry will tell you that chaos-creating spontaneous reactions tend to be exothermic ;)

I'm sure love is possible in an arranged marriage. But why take a chance when you can start off a marriage from scratch being in love? Why take a chance to live a loveless life? You risk to lose more than you will ever gain.

When you marry someone, you forge that ONE relationship that you get a say in. You get a choice. I couldn't choose who gets to be my parents, who gets to be my brother. It was all a 'default' setting. But when it comes to my wife, that choice is all me. The very nature of the choice puts that relationship on a different level--it exists because it is ALL me, I initiated it, I worked on it, I willed it into being. And this one girl destined to be my wife is too special to be picked out in a cattle-fair.

People aren't sheep to be traded based on set factors like the color of their fleece, the family they were born, the meadows they've been made to graze on--things that they had no control whatsoever of. Most arranged marriages stand on fickle earth. Caste. Religion. Family-background. Nationality. Occupation. Labels. You're marrying labels. Stop marrying labels, start marrying people.

If you've never loved or seen love, the romantic, earth-shattering kind, how will you know what you're missing out on? You who have slept under ceilings painted by others, know not the grandeur of the starry skies. What do you know of a soul kissed by a will o' wisp and a heart that pumps fire?

I have seen first hand what my parents have and I can't settle for anything less. I want those random dreamy-loved-up looks across the room, I want to not hang-up on the phone 20+ years into marriage, I want framed restaurant napkins with poetry, I want 'I'll-carry-you-up-the-stairs', I want Saturday-night movie-watching/cuddling and I want mock super-competitive Scrabble. I refuse to believe that this zing, this spark, this twinning of souls can be "gamed" or "matched".

I know how beautiful marriage can be. I want all this. I want more. There is no one who knows me better than me. And the one great decision--of whose face every morning's sun-rays will bounce off to meet mine--will be mine and mine alone.

Arrange Marriage

I can see a clear line between those who have never gone through the Marriage process and those who have gone through the process. Marriage is one of the scariest things for anyone. Your whole life will be in for a change and if you end up with the wrong guy/gal your life will be ruined. Thus, I can see why people are nervous about arranged marriage. A rational person should be nervous about any kind of marriage.

I have seen a couple of negative instances in the extended family when I was a child. Then I got quite determined to marry the girl my own way. Since that time I have been researching on various ideas on this topic. I crossed through my nervous teens and reached the US. In the US, my view on this topic completely went 180-degree. Here are some reasons my volte-face:

1. A few of my friends started getting married. Most of these guys were attractive in every sense - athletic, well educated, well earning guys who had patience. They could have gotten the best of the pick without an arranged system. However, they went arranged.
2. I worked a bit doing research for a law office in Florida. I wrote about 50 articles on Divorce for them. At the end of it, I got really sick. There were far too many issues in any kind of marriage.
3. I dated a couple of women when I first came to the US and found the experience overall quite superficial. A few of my Caucasian friends at the lab agreed with me. I found the dating process was no more scientific and rational than the arranged marriages I was used to.
4. Finally, I got to travel around the US and stayed with a number of American families. I got to learn a bit more about how they marry and why the marriages fail.

Thus, when I went back to India in 2010, I told my parents that I will change my earlier decision and now it is time to find my girl through the arranged marriage route. However, I decided to keep the overall thing quite rational and that was quite useful. After two months of conversations with different girls, finally found my girl. My best decision.

In 2011, I married the girl whom I love the most in my life. But, like most Indians, my love started after our engagement. Same is the case of my cousins, close friends and most of my extended network. Here is the condensed experience from my observations on modern arranged marriages in metropolitan India. The reality in rural India is little less ideal, but the wings of change are appearing there too.

Arranged marriage is especially predominant among those of us who have moved to the US (for work/study) who have seen how both systems work. I used to be a proponent of "love" until I moved to the US a few years ago. Also, some of us have graduate degrees and have both professional & financial freedom to pursue our life. So, it is not like we are getting into arranged marriage because somebody put a knife in our necks, nor are we taking this due to irrational reasons. We are willingly entering the game and reaping the rewards from the system.

Positive aspects of arranged marriage:
1. In urban India, arranged family is becoming more of a "family arranged date". It is not too different from finding a girl/guy yourself through other dating means. The family goes through an extensive profile matching process (including education backgrounds, interests/hobbies, height, weight, earning capacities, food habits etc) that also involves the bride & the groom. Before the "date" happens an enormous amount of filtering & back end work has been done to make sure things stick.

[Sidetrack: I was really apprehensive of arranged marriages and during my teens I swore to get married only through love. But, as soon as I met my future wife in an arranged setting, I knew why the process works. Now, the only scary thing in our marriage is the scary faces we put to each other ;-). I have observed about 30 odd marriages -- in my friends & family -- 95% of them arranged and they have similar experiences]

2. The process overall is more objective given that a group of people try to figure out the various things that goes into making a marriage work. On the other hand, a guy meeting a girl on a date with no background information has to make a subjective decision on the fly. In any human interaction, typically the first few minutes influence the dynamics of the whole relationship. Also, given that humans are not so rational when it comes to love and you decide very early in your life, the decision variables could be something that might not align with your long term interests. 

3. In a typical non-arranged marriage, you are generally on your own. That means when the relationship experiences rough weather, you might make spot decisions that you could regret later. In arranged marriages you have a support network that you could utilize if needed. It is like having a mentor & adviser in a start up. This ensures that marriages don't end due to short-term stupidities.

4. In non-arranged marriages, you are likely to have incomplete (or worse misleading) information to decide. Let us say you are going out with a classmate and you like her. But, at that stage you might not have a lot of information about the family background and the surroundings that influence the other person's subconscious. By the time you have all the information, your relationship might have gone too advanced to back out easily.


Thus your decisions could be based on surface characteristics such as beauty, hobbies and outer personality. In arranged marriages more effort is made to take the factors that make up your character -- by putting more emphasis on the family and cultural setup. This is better for the long term - when beauty and other surface characteristics adapt or disappear.

5. Arranged marriages lets Indian geeks be geeks. In the US and elsewhere, many geeks have to force themselves to somebody else to woo the opposite sex. In Indian arranged marriages, geeks are generously rewarded -- the bigger your accomplishments are (not necessarily wealth) the better your chances are in getting the bride/groom of your choice. That means a greater motivation to succeed. Also at a point of time in life when American & European students are busy in either setting up or agonizing over their relationships --- Indian geeks have their lifeline in mind and proceed to fill up the Phd & MBA admissions in the universities without getting their lives interfered by the courtship process.

6. The "love" system places too much stress on the teens & tweenies in looking for their future spouse. Not having girlfriend/boyfriend adds undue distress at a time when you have to use your energies to climb up the education & career ladder. In an arranged marriage, we agonize a lot less and focus on building our career in early 20s that will come handy during the bride/groom selection process.

7. In India, marriages are about the joining of 2 families. Unlike the West, our family forms a huge support system in India. Our parents take a greater part in raising their grandchildren, helping us out with our first house & car, and in general a big source of joy during the festivals. My father-in-law doubles as my business mentor and mother-in-law & other in-laws help us in various ways. In fact, when we moved back to the US - they packed the whole stuff up while also doing a bulk of the shopping. Though these are not always the case for a few others, it is better to have a strong family base rather than just focus on the chemistry between the couples. Of course the chemistry is important, but arranged marriage can do a better job in also ensuring a stronger bond between the families.
Great report by CNN on this subject: http://cnn.com/video/?/video/wor...

8. Finally, the question assumes that in a non-arranged marriage you really know the person whom you are ending up with. The reality is that we don't. Most of us are often irrational in decision making, adapt with changes in environment and very poor judges of people. The person you loved in high school might be  a totally different person in late 20s. It is better to honestly realize the non-deterministic aspect of human nature and learn with work with the complexities.

Negative Aspects of Arranged Marriage
A Couple of you guys pointed out that sometimes arranged marriages do not work. Absolutely.

1. In some instances, families might put their priorities in front of yours. That is something you have to guard yourself against. Show them that you are good in your decision making and stand firm on your top priorities.
2. Even in some arranged modern arranged marriages, prospects don't take an active part in decision making and understanding the variables involved. Either they are too shy or too bored. It requires more active role of the people involve. This is something that is fast changing though.
3. In many India villages and in some urban locations, there is outright force to get married to a certain person with no choice. However, I would argue blaming arranged marriage for this would be akin to blaming the bullet for the murder. When there is a coercion you have a bigger problem to worry than debating about arranged vs. love.
4. Arranged marriage perpetuates the institution of caste. Since arrange marriages predominantly happen within one's religion, caste and language, it doesn't allow easy crossbreeding in the society. However, it could be argued that even in the US and Europe where there are very few arranged marriages, interracial/inter-cultural marriages are an exception rather than a rule. Also, many of the "love" marriages in India follow the same caste/religious boundaries too.

I'm assuming that both sides have a choice (to love or to go for arranged) and if there is a choice, I'm saying arranged marriages are no worse than the alternatives. And if there is no choice, you have a problem bigger than the institution of marriage and requires the intervention of law enforcement.

Tips to reduce risk in an arranged marriage setting
Marriages of all stripes are risky and requires a leap of faith. Arranged marriages are no different. Here are some tips to reduce the risk:

1. Be proactive in the spouse search process. Don't let your parents autopilot. Remember, arranged marriage works best when it is a family arranged date and not when it is a family mandated marriage.
2. Before saying yes, get all the data points. Use social media search and find all possible connections. If you don't have a lot of common links and the spouse' family are total strangers, you could use the private services to do the background check that have specialized services for this. Also, request a medical report before the final go. These are becoming common practices in metropolitan India.
3. Try to get a few month gap between the engagement and the wedding. That is the period when you can really get together and see if there are any major surprises. I know of a couple of relatives and friends who pulled out in this period. It is a little painful but not as bad as a breakup or divorce.

Best Practices
3 Tips to get arranged marriages to work better:

1. Always get your expectations to a realistic level. If you don't look as good as Brad Pitt, don't expect an Angelina Jolie either.
2. Take enough time to understand the girl and her background before a proposal. Get a lot of data before you even meet the girl.
3. Keep your mind open and be flexible.

Conclusion:
Arranged marriages are not a panacea and cannot cure the society of its ills. I can only compare it to its alternatives. In a philosophical sense, we don't choose most of the stuff that really matter to us. We neither choose our parents & siblings nor our race & country of birth. We still manage to love them for the most part. If the couple involved in a partnership are open minded and are prepared to love the other person regardless of the minor chinks in their personalities, marriages - arranged or otherwise, work.